How to Achieve Happiness with Your Vanilla Partner as a Submissive
By Dominatrix
Ruby Enraylls – http://rubylovesyou.com
As a professional dominatrix, I speak
with many men who have the desire to be controlled by a powerful (and
often manipulating) woman. Unfortunately for these men, general
society dictates that women should be subservient, docile, and
obedient towards their male counterparts. As a result, submissive men
often find themselves frustrated in marriages with women who, for all
their wonderful qualities, aren’t taking control. These
relationships don’t have to fail, and can end up being quite
successful, and I’m going to provide a guide for you to get there
in four possibly not-so-easy steps!
Step
One: Determine What You Want
So, you want to give up control. What
does that mean? I define control as the ability to affect, influence,
or impact a situation, person, or thing directly and with intent. So,
the desire to give up control is a desire for your partner to
intentionally influence you. This means you’re asking them to lead
you, dictate changes, make decisions and initiate interactions- At
least, this is what control means to me.
It goes without saying that what
control means to me and what control means to anyone else is probably
different so before considering how to alter your relationship, you
should make two lists: One list will have 5-10 actions, feelings or
situations that make you feel submissive and the other will describe
the inverse. These lists should help you figure out what control
means to you and how you want to be submissive.
Although people don't tend to neatly
fit into categories, I've found that generally there are themes when
it comes to the activities that someone enjoys; Often someone who
likes doing service for their partner will also enjoy sexually
pleasing their partner. Just as someone who enjoys having someone
spit in their face will also usually enjoy being told how dirty and
nasty they are. The main categories that submissive behavior and
preferences tend to fall into seem to be fetish, service, masochism,
sexuality, humiliation, degradation, behavior modification and power.
Fetish; An activity or preferred object
or body part that is very much focused on such as a woman's foot or
smelling dirty panties. Service; Enjoying or wanting to do things for
other people that make their lives better or easier, classically
house work and menial labor such as data entry or organizing paper
work. Masochism; Enjoying a painful, unpleasant or uncomfortable
activity such as spanking or rope suspension. Humiliation; Seeking
out situations or activities that produce feelings of inadequacy,
shame, embarrassment. Degradation; Enjoying activities that make you
feel dirty, bad, wrong, shameful, evil, slutty, disgusting or less
than other people. Behavior Modification; Wanting to have someone
control what you do, how you think, what you feel and what you want.
Power; Wanting to feel powerless compared to someone else, to feel
controlled or overwhelmed by them.
Obviously, each category is not
mutually exclusive and often most people enjoy some activities that
fit into multiple categories in different degrees of intensity. In my
experience, the intensity experienced by someone submissive tends to
range from enjoying a lifestyle 24/7 dynamic where the submissive is
always submissive to experiencing a casual fantasy where they only
want to be told to do something that they already wish to do. With
all of that said, each submissive varies widely in their tastes,
preferences and dislikes so even those that are categorically the
same can be extremely different.
For example, I currently have two
submissives who both enjoy service and providing me with care but
both of them have different approaches to service: One of them likes
to help me around the house by cooking, cleaning and doing other
chores and feels at peace while he is taking care of physical tasks
for me. The other however, doesn't really enjoy doing physical tasks
(especially cleaning.) She enjoys engaging in psychologically taxing
tasks that contribute to me having more energy to better accomplish
everything else I have to do.
Step
Two: Determine What She Wants
Everyone falls somewhere on the D/s
scale, whether they’re aware of it or not. Sometimes those
inclinations are very fluid, other times they’re less so – it’s
very similar to sexual orientation in that regard. It’s possible
that your wife is just as submissive as you are (or more!), and just
doesn’t want to be dominant, for the same types of reasons you
don’t.
Does your wife like making decisions?
Does she know what kink is? How does she feel about it? Is she
open-minded? Being dominant over you will require your wife to make
many choices for themselves and for you. If she hates decisions, it’s
going to be very difficult to find a way where she’s happy
controlling you. Similarly, if she hates the idea of kink and you try
to manipulate her into dominating you, she’s probably going to be
extremely upset if she finds out.
On the other hand, it’s very common
for women to feel heard, considered, and empowered by their husbands.
Being dominant does take some effort, but if it means an increased
ability to get what she wants, it may be worth it for her. When I’ve
instructed submissive men to offer control to their wives in the
past, it has been met with joy. This is probably related to how they
went about it and what control they relinquished, but more about that
in step four.
Step
Three: Decide On a Course of Action
At this point, you have most of the
information you need to make a decision. Do you want to express your
submission with your wife, or with a professional?
When making this decision, you first
need to realize that your wife will never be the perfect dominatrix
for you. A professional is there to provide you with a relatively
uncomplicated fantasy interaction, within her own limitations.
Because you have set an exchange rate with her, she’s more willing
to conform to your desires. Because you’ve discussed limits and
mutual interests, you’ll likely get a closer approximation of what
you want. So (unless someone is lying), there’s virtually no chance
of either person getting shortchanged in the arrangement. On the
other hand, your wife is likely to have her own agenda (which is
probably not “fulfill your fantasy so she can pay her bills”).
She’ll have her own desires, her own needs, and her own wants.
Those probably won’t align perfectly with yours, and that’s okay.
Use the information you gathered in steps one and two to figure out
how close you can get to what you want with your wife, and then make
a decision about whether that’s close enough for you.
Even if your wife is submissively
inclined, it may be possible for you to fulfill one another’s
needs. You’ll both have to work for it, but if you’re willing to
be creative and compromise it can work. Perhaps it means that you
won’t get all of your fantasies met. Perhaps it means supplementing
the D/s between the two of you with a professional. Perhaps it means
exploring new ways to interact together. If she’s open to it,
though, and you believe that getting your needs fulfilled within your
existing relationship is the route you’d like to choose, step four
has suggestions on how to make the transition into more control
easier for her, and helping her see that domination isn’t scary,
impossible, masculine, or gross.
<Would put some more stuff here
about how relationships (can) change when D/s elements are added,
because that’s an easy thing to not really be able to predict, and
seems relevant to the decision of whether to add D/s to your existing
relationship or go see a pro>
Step
Four: Offer Her Control (if appropriate)
The guiding principle here is that you
want to create situations where you’re allowing your wife to direct
and influence you. You want to set up an environment where it’s
easy for her to lead you, initiate changes, and make decisions.
When initially giving control to a
partner with whom you’ve previously been equals, it’s tempting to
either simply say “I want you to control me.” or to give them
explicit instructions for how they should control you. The
former is overwhelming and intimidating for most vanilla women, and
the second is counterproductive. It defeats the point of giving up
control, and it’s likely to be rejected by a woman who will
actually take control or accepted disdainfully as a command by a
woman who doesn’t want to be in charge. Neither of those options
are what you want, so don’t tell your wife to tell you to do
something.
What do you do, then? The
specifics will be different for everyone, but some good starting
questions are “How can I make your life easier?” “What can I do
to help you around the house?” and “What do you hate doing?” In
addition to these questions, it would be a good idea to pay attention
when you make decisions together or when you make decisions for the
two of you. Common decisions that you may be taking for granted are
what you are eating, what you are wearing, how something is done
around the house, and who does what chores. When you notice yourself
making such decisions, consider asking for her opinion. Eventually,
she will become more accustomed to making decisions on your behalf
and having that control over you will feel natural to her.
Although most highly visible models for
how D/s relationships start involve the dominant asking for (or
taking) control over the submissive, the inverse also happens. In
fact, my experience has shown that relationships tend to be far
healthier when the submissive gives control than when the dominant
takes it. Anything taken by force walks the line of abuse, and by
offering control before she asks for it, you’re mitigating one
potential concern. Be aware, however, that she may not want the
control you’re offering, and it also causes issues to force control
onto someone who doesn’t want it. Ideally, you want to give your
wife as much control as she wants to have and as much as you want to
give. Keep in mind that those two values may not match up exactly,
and that they will both be constantly shifting and changing. While
that may sound undesirable, it allows you to learn and grow together.
If something is constantly changing, it’s (hopefully!) becoming
better and closer to the ideal for both parties.
But
What About BDSM?
I understand that allowing your wife to
make all the decisions isn’t exactly fetish-oriented. At the end of
the day, you’re still doing service for a wonderful woman, and
perhaps that’s enough. Introducing BDSM activities isn’t off the
table, but you don’t want to force anything upon her. If she’s
not open minded, if she’s uncomfortable with kink, or if she’s
not comfortable taking the lead, you should probably leave BDSM and
kink out of your relationship.
If you choose to introduce BDSM, I
suggest mentioning something innocent very casually. Perhaps say
something like “Have you ever used handcuffs on someone? I overhead
someone at work talking about an exploit of his where he used
handcuffs…” Alternately, if your acting abilities are such that
you can seem surprised by it, you can “stumble across” some BDSM
or fetish picture in a relatively innocent place (think Wikipedia)
and ask what your partner thinks.
You want to seem curious or surprised
when you bring it up, but you want to leave a believable out if your
partner is disgusted. If she reacts strongly negatively, you want to
be left in a situation where you can respond with “Yeah, the
handcuff thing seemed weird to me, too. Why would he have done that?”
or agree with her disgusted shock that Wikipedia had such perverse
content. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your wife
has to choose between obviously insulting your fantasies and
expressing her true opinions.
In the event that your partner is
interested in BDSM too, I suggest starting off very innocently;
Crops, blindfolds, hand cuffs and the like. Introduce things slowly
and really make her a part of your exploration by reading things
together, watching videos together, shopping together, ect. Even if
she isn't initially interested in something, it's likely that if you
are and she's open minded she'll try it and like it or try it because
you like it. The most important thing to remember is to have fun and
make it into a bonding experience, if you do that it will have a
positive outcome.
If you have any questions or comments,
feel free to forward them to me at rubyenraylls@gmail.com
