Kink Influences

If you know me, it's no secret that I've been kinky effectively since I could walk. Previously, I've just accepted this as my reality and left it at that but recently I've begun thinking about my influences and how they shaped who I am and what I like. Today I'm going to share a few of my influences and what I liked about them.

Xenia Onatopp

Have you watched Golden Eye? It was my favorite movie for years, starting with the first time I ever watched it when I was probably 4 or 5. I'm not sure why my parents even let me watch James Bond movies but they did and I was enthralled. I didn't really give a shit about the violence in fact I barely noticed it, what I did notice was Xenia Onatopp killing people with her thighs and Natalya Simonova's super sexy accent. In fact I liked Xenia so much that I used to put other kids in scissor grips with my legs because I thought it was awesome to have that much control over someone. (Several of my middle school friends will attest to this.) I believe I also begged my mom to let me take a Russian class almost immediately after I saw Golden Eye. 

Strangely enough, the connection between my obsession with scissor grips/breath control and sexual excitement only recently surfaced for me. I have no idea why it took so long for me to become aware of it because it's extremely obvious now.

I think it was the display of power that I was so attracted to; Xenia lures men into a place where they think they're safe and in control (typically, they would be right as men are often the dominant players in sexual interactions) and then she absolutely turns the tables on them when not only are they least expecting it but they've let their guard down. I love the trickery and seduction that is put into such an interaction and I love that she gets off on it even more. In retrospect, I think what really stood out to me about Xenia was that she was a woman; Previously I had only seen men get off on taking control and power.

Xena the Warrior Princess

Okay so, Xena is really campy, I'll admit that. However, that doesn't make Xena any less powerful in her world; She kicks ass with reckless abandon, travels on her own, saves men and women from bad guys and seduces men to get what she wants. (Obviously, there is going to be a theme of women using their sexuality to control men here and that says a lot about me.) GO AHEAD, tell me that isn't empowering?! Sure, she's a sex object but she chooses to be a sex object because wearing leather is badass and being sexy while you kill demons is fucking cool. I think she only gets saved by a man once or twice and then she almost immediately turns the tables and saves them from an even worse fate. I'm sure I could find many flaws in Xena and probably rip her power to shreds but when I first saw her, that was not what I was thinking about. Honestly, I was too busy being in awe of her kicking ass and taking names in a metal push up bra at the tender age of 6.

Birdy the Mighty

This one is a little obscure, so I'll explain who Birdy is.

Birdy the Mighty is an anime about a spandex clad alien super heroine federal space officer from outer space who accidentally kills a teenage boy and then is forced to share a body with him. (And let the lulz ensue.) The show follows Birdy fighting crime (aka fucked up aliens) and protecting the boy in many instances (some of which she's naked in) and teaching the boy to be a better person. Although I'm pretty sure after the first two episodes it gets really shitty and awful... Those are absolutely not part of my scope of memory though as I didn't discover them until about a year ago.

So anyways, Birdy is another powerful female character (at least she was in the first couple of episodes) who is oozing sexuality. Although she doesn't really directly use it in the show, it's more of a tool to draw in the viewer. 

Some Crazy Furry Porn I Found Online

I wish I could remember the name of the artist of the crazy furry porn my best friend and I found on Neopets when we were 10 or 11. Unfortunately, I haven't really looked at it since then and the only things I remember were that the artist always drew wolves and she called her boyfriend "Dirtbag" and often drew him all tied up and tortured.  

Quite honestly, half wolf half people tied up and experiencing CBT blew me the fuck away when I was 10. (Not that I knew any 10 year olds who wouldn't be blown away by it...) Really though, the weird part was just that they were wolves. No, seriously. Something about the BDSM elements just clicked with me; I remember thinking "Well of course he's tied up. That's what you do to boys when they're bad and messing with their penises." Boy oh boy what the fuck does that say about me? I'm not sure I want to know..

What This Shit Says About Me

First and foremost, I'm fucking weird.
I think I must have found bondage pictures some where when I was a kid because I was forever trying to figure out how to tie up a Barbie with a hog tie (it's really hard, guys) and when I finally became aware that BDSM was a thing people did, I already knew two and single column ties as well as diamond harnesses and chest harnesses. I'm confident that my preoccupation with power and control is largely influenced by the media I've talked about in this post but there's some information that I just really have no idea where it came from. What I do know is that my biggest fetish is absolutely power exchange and everything that I'm interested in seems to become vastly more interesting when I realize that there's a power element. Given the influences that I have, that absolutely makes sense.

So I guess the moral of the story is if you don't want your children to grow up to be kinksters, don't let them look at BDSM furry porn on the internet. Or Animal Planet, that was bad for me too.

Some Thoughts on Inner Strength and Pro-Domme

I love my job. There's such a thrill that comes along with meeting someone new and unknown for bdsm play. What role will he want to play? Will he like me? Will we get along? Will we connect well during play? It completes me like nothing else but it is a hardship at times. To be a dominatrix, a cam girl, an escort or any other kind of sex worker takes the strength to take on the deepest desires and darkest fantasies of a stranger and to make their wildest dreams come true without devaluing, compromising and destroying yourself. to do that well takes an immense amount of strength and the willingness to be vulnerable.
Let me get one thing straight, I am not being paid to be a hole. I am being paid to be myself and use my own passions to make the fantasies of others come true. By coming out and saying "this is who I am. I'm kinky as hell, I like watching others enjoy themselves and even though we don't know if we have chemistry, I'm willing to accept money to meet you and take the chance that you aren't going to rape, kill, stalk, harass or otherwise try to hurt me."
Every part of that statement is a challenge in and of itself and on a day to day basis I don't know how I manage to trust the world so much to accept so much of who I am and more surprisingly still, to want to spend time with me so badly that they'll pay me for the experience.
The days that I expose the most of myself are the days that I excel the most and the days that my clients and friends enjoy the most and knowing that gives me the strength to keep allowing new people to see very intimate sides of me.
Who am I intimately anyways? We all wear disguises in some shape so that we can avoid being hurt but what kind of things are lurking underneath that?

On the exterior, I'm strong, I'm focused but goofy, I'm eager to watch other enjoy themselves and sometimes off the cuff things fall out of my mouth.
Under that... I like causing pain and I love watching people want me.. desire my touch and crave more of me. But it's complicated because although I love to please, I love to deny even more. To watch my victim squirm uncomfortably with delight and disappointment. Sometimes it's hard to keep them on the hook after saying no but that's my favorite part.
Sometimes, I'm insecure like most people. I fear that I'm over valuing myself and driving other away because of that. I'm worried that I'm not good enough, skilled enough, competent enough or intelligent enough to pull off the plans I'm trying to release to the world. Although I have this uncanny ability to just make things work and some weird sort of luck/magic seems to follow me where ever I go. Maybe I'm just really good at handling crisis/stressful situations. That must be it; Sometimes I act like a total tit in a social situation and I shove my foot in my mouth while being a complete ass. Sometimes literally. Yet I manage to be suave enough to not absolutely abhor most people. Despite the fact that these situations I create embarrass and horrify me, I can't seem to stop doing them. Regardless of whether or not I've had something to drink.

Deepest of all... I'm afraid that I'll become a spinster who gets emotional and social fixes from work instead of reaching out to other people. Work is easier. Want to know why? I know the other people involved like me, at least a bit. If they don't, I don't hear from them and that's that. Rejection is scary because still at some base level, my value as a person is tied up in the approval of others.
But you know what? It doesn't have to be. I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that.

What really counts? I try. I give life and experiences as much as I can and then I push myself a little bit harder and that makes me proud, even when I fail miserably.

Dominatrix Advice; When You Are The Other Woman

Unfortunately, not everyone is as honest as we would hope; Sometimes people lie to their significant others and sometimes that sucks for everyone involved, especially if you aren't actually involved in the issues at hand. As a professional dominatrix, fetishist, submissive, escort, ect and even just as a person in the dating scene you will encounter this issue at one point in time or another. Likely, if you are the person outside of the relationship you will be blamed by one or both parties for any and all issues... And that sucks because unless you actually did something to pry one person away from the other, it isn't your fault. Hell, even if you did it wasn't your choice or your relationship even if you were an influencing factor in the final decision.

Let me highlight that again: Even if you make mistakes, someone else's relationship is not your problem. 

If anyone would know that important piece of information, it would be me; Unfortunately I often have my fingers in other people's business. Literally and figuratively. Sure, you could tell me that I'm a terrible person for allowing other people to cheat on their significant others but it is really not my business. I believe that honesty and openness are the corner stones of a healthy relationship and I encourage people to be honest or end it but at the end of the day it's not my decision, my problem or my life. Occasionally this blows the fuck up in my face. Take yesterday for example:

Yesterday morning I woke up to a slew of angry text messages from the now ex girlfriend of one of my favorite clients that contained the following information:

I am X's girlfriend. I found your number and X told me he bought things for you and that is not okay with me. He and I decided to try to work out our failing relationship and I think that you are the sole problem in it. I don't care if you hang out but he has promised me that he won't ever see you again because he said that you two have an intimate relationship.

Yikes. Where do I even begin with that information? My bitchy side wants to cackle and just point blank say what went on and sit and watch the fireworks that ensue... But that is awful and absolutely inappropriate regardless of the reasons behind it.

So what should you do when confronted by someone else's significant other? Plead the goddamn fifth, give them your condolences for whatever issues they are having and encourage them to talk to their partner (or in this case, ex.) Someone else's relationship is basically none of your business and it is in everyone's best interest to keep it that way. Sure, you could offer advice but if you're at all like me that's the reason you're in the middle of this in the first place. So keep calm, don't get angry (they are undoubtedly trying to provoke you) and carry on.

Worst case scenario you lose a client/friend and two people hate and blame you for issues in their relationship, if you don't engage then you don't have to deal with that anyways and they will go away on their own.

Hopefully, everyone involved can be adults and you can come to an agreement. Ideally, that would be an open policy in the relationship where the person you were seeing continues to see you and is honest about it with their significant other and you even reassure them from time to time. Keep in mind that is a best case scenario and is probably very unlikely. With that said, unless you want to cause arguments and probably get screamed at you should just not be involved with both parties.

If the person you were seeing chooses to continue to see you make sure that it is crystal clear that you will have nothing to do with them if their significant other gets involved with you and that their relationship is not something that you will be a part of. If either party doesn't respect your wishes then you leave. I cannot stress this enough: Keep your boundaries firm and make sure that you don't get roped into this situation anymore than you need to be. It is also wise to make a point of saying that honesty is the best policy and that you would be far more comfortable with everyone being aware and consensually involved in the situation. Beyond that, it's up to you if you're comfortable risking having an angry wife, husband or girlfriend confront you at random (likely with no idea what is actually going on.)

If you have any questions, comments or stories to share about cheating, lying in relationships or extra-relationshipular BDSM/fetish/kink please leave a comment or email me at rubyenraylls@gmail.com