Dirty

Sometimes.. I feel dirty for what I like, what I want, what I need... It feels wrong and shameful to need what I do. I mean that completely. I need to fuck, I need sexual energy. Not just sex, not just an activity... The interactions, the rush, the desire.. Everything. The moments spent thinking about touching someone, feeling them completely, drawing them in and making them want more... Your sexual frustration is so delicious to me.

I don't need it to come. I don't need it to validate me. I don't even need it to confirm anything other than the fact that I am alive and I am blessed with this body. This body loves me and I love it too, I want to share it to show just how good the experience of living can be. How decadent human touch can feel... How intoxicating Just a look can be. This body loves to fuck.

Every time I meet someone I feel a rush of excitement because I get to taste the sexual energy again. It doesn't matter what the activity is as long as there's a connection, an exchange of energy. It feels good. Sometimes it feels so good that I feel for enjoying it so much. It's almost like nothing can be that good and not be bad for me. I know it used to be...

The guilt I feel about my sexuality is conditioned into me, it's designed to keep me reined in; When I'm free of guilt and emotional limitations I happily eat men whole and the power that comes with it is intoxicating... There's so much desire aimed in my direction and if I let it in, it consumes me. I become a full fledged succubus with my fangs out and I'm insatiable in every measurable way. It's dangerous and I think every woman has a succubus inside of her, society just keeps them chained up.

When I was little, I tied up my barbies and made them rape each other while Ken sat in his corner with his pink frilly dress and watched. He wanted to be involved but he wasn't allowed, he had to watch as what should have been his women were violated by someone else and what was worse was that they loved it. I couldn't have been older than 6 when I did this. Slowly, I became aware that sexual acts were seen as dirty by society but it took several more years before I realized what I was doing was sexual and that was only after I had been masturbating to thoughts of non-consent and power play for a great while.

Once all the pieces of sexuality and societal expectations fell into place for me, I felt ashamed and dirty so I cut myself off from sexuality and I looked down on people who were sexual. I think this happens to most women to be honest and it keeps us docile and quiet; Sexuality is not okay, unless it's with a man you love and it's in private and then sometimes it's okay but it depends. Luckily, I don't buy that shit anymore.

You know what? You look tasty..

The Problem with (Not) Sex Work

Let's get something straight here, I'm a dominatrix by profession; I don't have sex with people and I don't engage in activities that escorts engage in. While I like the idea of fucking more people and consider myself a slut, I'm extremely germaphobic and I've made rules for myself dictating when it is and isn't okay to allow people into my body; I feel like access to my most intimate of parts is something special and it's not something I want to give out freely anymore. That doesn't mean I look down on women who actually have penis in vagina sex for a living, in fact I'm actually kind of envious of them. This is where the mind fuck sets in for me: I am a sex worker but I'm not a sex worker; It's complicated.

For a while I've felt really weird about some aspects of my work and yesterday when I was talking with a bunch of other girls I figured out what was causing my weird feelings; On some level I believe that I owe people sex, not even in specific circumstances just in fucking general. It might be easier to deal with if it was just circumstantial but it's not and it's really uncomfortable sometimes telling people no or even being around people who I know want to fuck me because it feels like I'm going against nature. Worse yet, being around most other sex workers feels isolating because I can't relate to their interactions with people due to the fact that our interactions are different. It makes me feel like I'm trapped on the fringes of two worlds and it just sucks.

It feels like I'm going through puberty again and all of my friends are losing their virginities and I'm... Not. It feels awkward and uncomfortable, judgmental and limiting...

In many ways I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have things be simple; It would be so nice to fit neatly into one world or the other. Often I fantasize about becoming a full-fledged escort but honestly, I don't think that would make me happy and I'm incredibly jealous of the women who find happiness there. That's not to say that it's easy at all or that it doesn't take a toll on you, I'm not trying to glamorize it and I don't admire the glamour associated with it; I admire the strength of women who can be escorts. Fucking someone is giving them a part of you for a period of time and it's something so intimate and potentially risky that it boggles my mind how someone can be so strong and so generous with their body.

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes by calling myself a sex worker because I'm not giving as much as an escort is giving and I don't know how to find something that feels like I'm giving something equivalent. .... More importantly, I don't know why I'm down playing what I do or how much I give to people. It's probably a combination of how much importance I put on sex and how much importance other people put on sex. Unfortunately, I don't know how to reconcile those beliefs and my desires. So I'm left with a big heap of ideas, concepts and reasons but not really any answer other than "hopefully everything will work out if I just be myself and try my best" which kinda sucks but it's better than nothing.

Talking to other people about similar shit would probably help too.

Kink Influences

If you know me, it's no secret that I've been kinky effectively since I could walk. Previously, I've just accepted this as my reality and left it at that but recently I've begun thinking about my influences and how they shaped who I am and what I like. Today I'm going to share a few of my influences and what I liked about them.

Xenia Onatopp

Have you watched Golden Eye? It was my favorite movie for years, starting with the first time I ever watched it when I was probably 4 or 5. I'm not sure why my parents even let me watch James Bond movies but they did and I was enthralled. I didn't really give a shit about the violence in fact I barely noticed it, what I did notice was Xenia Onatopp killing people with her thighs and Natalya Simonova's super sexy accent. In fact I liked Xenia so much that I used to put other kids in scissor grips with my legs because I thought it was awesome to have that much control over someone. (Several of my middle school friends will attest to this.) I believe I also begged my mom to let me take a Russian class almost immediately after I saw Golden Eye. 

Strangely enough, the connection between my obsession with scissor grips/breath control and sexual excitement only recently surfaced for me. I have no idea why it took so long for me to become aware of it because it's extremely obvious now.

I think it was the display of power that I was so attracted to; Xenia lures men into a place where they think they're safe and in control (typically, they would be right as men are often the dominant players in sexual interactions) and then she absolutely turns the tables on them when not only are they least expecting it but they've let their guard down. I love the trickery and seduction that is put into such an interaction and I love that she gets off on it even more. In retrospect, I think what really stood out to me about Xenia was that she was a woman; Previously I had only seen men get off on taking control and power.

Xena the Warrior Princess

Okay so, Xena is really campy, I'll admit that. However, that doesn't make Xena any less powerful in her world; She kicks ass with reckless abandon, travels on her own, saves men and women from bad guys and seduces men to get what she wants. (Obviously, there is going to be a theme of women using their sexuality to control men here and that says a lot about me.) GO AHEAD, tell me that isn't empowering?! Sure, she's a sex object but she chooses to be a sex object because wearing leather is badass and being sexy while you kill demons is fucking cool. I think she only gets saved by a man once or twice and then she almost immediately turns the tables and saves them from an even worse fate. I'm sure I could find many flaws in Xena and probably rip her power to shreds but when I first saw her, that was not what I was thinking about. Honestly, I was too busy being in awe of her kicking ass and taking names in a metal push up bra at the tender age of 6.

Birdy the Mighty

This one is a little obscure, so I'll explain who Birdy is.

Birdy the Mighty is an anime about a spandex clad alien super heroine federal space officer from outer space who accidentally kills a teenage boy and then is forced to share a body with him. (And let the lulz ensue.) The show follows Birdy fighting crime (aka fucked up aliens) and protecting the boy in many instances (some of which she's naked in) and teaching the boy to be a better person. Although I'm pretty sure after the first two episodes it gets really shitty and awful... Those are absolutely not part of my scope of memory though as I didn't discover them until about a year ago.

So anyways, Birdy is another powerful female character (at least she was in the first couple of episodes) who is oozing sexuality. Although she doesn't really directly use it in the show, it's more of a tool to draw in the viewer. 

Some Crazy Furry Porn I Found Online

I wish I could remember the name of the artist of the crazy furry porn my best friend and I found on Neopets when we were 10 or 11. Unfortunately, I haven't really looked at it since then and the only things I remember were that the artist always drew wolves and she called her boyfriend "Dirtbag" and often drew him all tied up and tortured.  

Quite honestly, half wolf half people tied up and experiencing CBT blew me the fuck away when I was 10. (Not that I knew any 10 year olds who wouldn't be blown away by it...) Really though, the weird part was just that they were wolves. No, seriously. Something about the BDSM elements just clicked with me; I remember thinking "Well of course he's tied up. That's what you do to boys when they're bad and messing with their penises." Boy oh boy what the fuck does that say about me? I'm not sure I want to know..

What This Shit Says About Me

First and foremost, I'm fucking weird.
I think I must have found bondage pictures some where when I was a kid because I was forever trying to figure out how to tie up a Barbie with a hog tie (it's really hard, guys) and when I finally became aware that BDSM was a thing people did, I already knew two and single column ties as well as diamond harnesses and chest harnesses. I'm confident that my preoccupation with power and control is largely influenced by the media I've talked about in this post but there's some information that I just really have no idea where it came from. What I do know is that my biggest fetish is absolutely power exchange and everything that I'm interested in seems to become vastly more interesting when I realize that there's a power element. Given the influences that I have, that absolutely makes sense.

So I guess the moral of the story is if you don't want your children to grow up to be kinksters, don't let them look at BDSM furry porn on the internet. Or Animal Planet, that was bad for me too.

The Finer Points of Being Stalked

When I first discovered creepy emails in my inbox that talked about the location of my dungeon I was kind of freaked out. I don't like people getting information about me without asking me, even meaningless shit like what my favorite color is. I've never liked people talking about me behind my back, regardless of the content of the conversation and I've worked hard to accept that people will do that and that most of the time they won't tell me about it. So naturally, finding out that people were digging up any scraps of information on me that seemed relevant at all, creeping on me in various ways and making up extravagant lies about cumming all over my face is at the very least a little wiggy.
But to be honest... It's also kind of flattering.

People I've never met want to know things about me. People who I've never spoken to and have no connect to are telling other people that they fucked me. People I literally don't give a shit about are doing things to get my attention or broadcast the fact that they know me. That's what crazy people do to celebrities! THAT'S FUCKING. COOL. By the transitive property that must mean that I'm some sort of small scale celebrity.

Seriously, think about it; I have directly done absolutely nothing to, with or for these people and they're spending time and effort to find shit out about me. Once you get past the whole "Ew, why would you do that? That's creepy!" thing generating enough buzz and attention that people are seeking you out (sometimes against your will) is in many ways a sign that you're becoming successful.

"But, Mistress!" You might say "How is violating your privacy anything but a massive disregard for your basic human rights?" Well my pet.. Although it is that, people who generally do things like that and use fear tactics to make someone feel like they're in danger are attempting to force control over you. It's non-consensual D/s. If I'm afraid of anonymous dude A, then he has power over me and then he has a reason to feel powerful. The fact that he's trying to scare me (someone he doesn't have a connection with) into submission says to me that he considers me to be powerful or maybe I even emasculated him. Either way, he has set the tone that I am more powerful than him and he is trying to change that by making me fear for my safety. Unfortunately for him, power only comes from within and taking power away from someone else never makes you feel stronger.

So now that I've broken down why I feel flattered, let's break down why I'm not really concerned by all of this because, let's be honest, that's not a normal human response.

Ideally in the animal kingdom, when one creature threatens another it triggers the fight or flight response which in this day and age means that whoever is fight or flighting is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. The thing is... Most threats aren't even acted on. Worst case scenario, some dude shows up at my dungeon (or maybe my home if he's crafty enough) and worst worst case scenario is that he tries to hurt me. .... Well then. That should be cause for concern, right? Let's assume that he's skilled enough to take me down and get me vulnerable. Well at that point there's not much I can do as "preparation" other than make sure I keep going to Martial Arts and charge my taser, both of which I should do anyways. Even if all else fails and some really bad shit does indeed happen to me/is going to happen to me.. There's not much someone can do to me that hasn't been done already except actually kill me which is weirdly eroticized to me anyways...

*Ahem* I guess the point of all of this is that being scared when you get creepy emails is stupid, block them and do what you can to tighten your security. Being scared when you get creepy calls is stupid, block them. Being scared when someone leers at you through your window is stupid, bean whoever it is on the head and call the cops. But being scared when someone breaks into your place and tries to kidnap you is legit, except when what you're really afraid of is that they'll see you without make up on... *Ahem...*

So if you're being stalked, creeped on, made to feel uncomfortable or what have you, don't obsess over it. Do what you can to make sure your information and space is secure and move on. Worrying about the what ifs will drive you crazy and trying to make everything perfectly safe will never happen. Living be default is dangerous, don't let someone's rude reminder of that ruin your day.

Some Thoughts on Inner Strength and Pro-Domme

I love my job. There's such a thrill that comes along with meeting someone new and unknown for bdsm play. What role will he want to play? Will he like me? Will we get along? Will we connect well during play? It completes me like nothing else but it is a hardship at times. To be a dominatrix, a cam girl, an escort or any other kind of sex worker takes the strength to take on the deepest desires and darkest fantasies of a stranger and to make their wildest dreams come true without devaluing, compromising and destroying yourself. to do that well takes an immense amount of strength and the willingness to be vulnerable.
Let me get one thing straight, I am not being paid to be a hole. I am being paid to be myself and use my own passions to make the fantasies of others come true. By coming out and saying "this is who I am. I'm kinky as hell, I like watching others enjoy themselves and even though we don't know if we have chemistry, I'm willing to accept money to meet you and take the chance that you aren't going to rape, kill, stalk, harass or otherwise try to hurt me."
Every part of that statement is a challenge in and of itself and on a day to day basis I don't know how I manage to trust the world so much to accept so much of who I am and more surprisingly still, to want to spend time with me so badly that they'll pay me for the experience.
The days that I expose the most of myself are the days that I excel the most and the days that my clients and friends enjoy the most and knowing that gives me the strength to keep allowing new people to see very intimate sides of me.
Who am I intimately anyways? We all wear disguises in some shape so that we can avoid being hurt but what kind of things are lurking underneath that?

On the exterior, I'm strong, I'm focused but goofy, I'm eager to watch other enjoy themselves and sometimes off the cuff things fall out of my mouth.
Under that... I like causing pain and I love watching people want me.. desire my touch and crave more of me. But it's complicated because although I love to please, I love to deny even more. To watch my victim squirm uncomfortably with delight and disappointment. Sometimes it's hard to keep them on the hook after saying no but that's my favorite part.
Sometimes, I'm insecure like most people. I fear that I'm over valuing myself and driving other away because of that. I'm worried that I'm not good enough, skilled enough, competent enough or intelligent enough to pull off the plans I'm trying to release to the world. Although I have this uncanny ability to just make things work and some weird sort of luck/magic seems to follow me where ever I go. Maybe I'm just really good at handling crisis/stressful situations. That must be it; Sometimes I act like a total tit in a social situation and I shove my foot in my mouth while being a complete ass. Sometimes literally. Yet I manage to be suave enough to not absolutely abhor most people. Despite the fact that these situations I create embarrass and horrify me, I can't seem to stop doing them. Regardless of whether or not I've had something to drink.

Deepest of all... I'm afraid that I'll become a spinster who gets emotional and social fixes from work instead of reaching out to other people. Work is easier. Want to know why? I know the other people involved like me, at least a bit. If they don't, I don't hear from them and that's that. Rejection is scary because still at some base level, my value as a person is tied up in the approval of others.
But you know what? It doesn't have to be. I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that.

What really counts? I try. I give life and experiences as much as I can and then I push myself a little bit harder and that makes me proud, even when I fail miserably.

Dominatrix Advice; When You Are The Other Woman

Unfortunately, not everyone is as honest as we would hope; Sometimes people lie to their significant others and sometimes that sucks for everyone involved, especially if you aren't actually involved in the issues at hand. As a professional dominatrix, fetishist, submissive, escort, ect and even just as a person in the dating scene you will encounter this issue at one point in time or another. Likely, if you are the person outside of the relationship you will be blamed by one or both parties for any and all issues... And that sucks because unless you actually did something to pry one person away from the other, it isn't your fault. Hell, even if you did it wasn't your choice or your relationship even if you were an influencing factor in the final decision.

Let me highlight that again: Even if you make mistakes, someone else's relationship is not your problem. 

If anyone would know that important piece of information, it would be me; Unfortunately I often have my fingers in other people's business. Literally and figuratively. Sure, you could tell me that I'm a terrible person for allowing other people to cheat on their significant others but it is really not my business. I believe that honesty and openness are the corner stones of a healthy relationship and I encourage people to be honest or end it but at the end of the day it's not my decision, my problem or my life. Occasionally this blows the fuck up in my face. Take yesterday for example:

Yesterday morning I woke up to a slew of angry text messages from the now ex girlfriend of one of my favorite clients that contained the following information:

I am X's girlfriend. I found your number and X told me he bought things for you and that is not okay with me. He and I decided to try to work out our failing relationship and I think that you are the sole problem in it. I don't care if you hang out but he has promised me that he won't ever see you again because he said that you two have an intimate relationship.

Yikes. Where do I even begin with that information? My bitchy side wants to cackle and just point blank say what went on and sit and watch the fireworks that ensue... But that is awful and absolutely inappropriate regardless of the reasons behind it.

So what should you do when confronted by someone else's significant other? Plead the goddamn fifth, give them your condolences for whatever issues they are having and encourage them to talk to their partner (or in this case, ex.) Someone else's relationship is basically none of your business and it is in everyone's best interest to keep it that way. Sure, you could offer advice but if you're at all like me that's the reason you're in the middle of this in the first place. So keep calm, don't get angry (they are undoubtedly trying to provoke you) and carry on.

Worst case scenario you lose a client/friend and two people hate and blame you for issues in their relationship, if you don't engage then you don't have to deal with that anyways and they will go away on their own.

Hopefully, everyone involved can be adults and you can come to an agreement. Ideally, that would be an open policy in the relationship where the person you were seeing continues to see you and is honest about it with their significant other and you even reassure them from time to time. Keep in mind that is a best case scenario and is probably very unlikely. With that said, unless you want to cause arguments and probably get screamed at you should just not be involved with both parties.

If the person you were seeing chooses to continue to see you make sure that it is crystal clear that you will have nothing to do with them if their significant other gets involved with you and that their relationship is not something that you will be a part of. If either party doesn't respect your wishes then you leave. I cannot stress this enough: Keep your boundaries firm and make sure that you don't get roped into this situation anymore than you need to be. It is also wise to make a point of saying that honesty is the best policy and that you would be far more comfortable with everyone being aware and consensually involved in the situation. Beyond that, it's up to you if you're comfortable risking having an angry wife, husband or girlfriend confront you at random (likely with no idea what is actually going on.)

If you have any questions, comments or stories to share about cheating, lying in relationships or extra-relationshipular BDSM/fetish/kink please leave a comment or email me at rubyenraylls@gmail.com

I Make Bad Decisions

Sometimes, I make really bad choices about what I should and shouldn't do; Building things from scratch, that I know nothing about, is often one of those things. Sure, I generally learn a hell of a lot, gain some new skills and get to experience the triumph of having built an entire bathroom almost exclusively by myself which are some pretty damn awesome rewards. Unfortunately what I never seem to take into account before simply deciding to accomplish enormous projects is that I will spend an awful lot of time staring menacingly at something that has not only just wasted my time and energy but that I could have easily paid someone else to deal with in a manner that takes up less time, energy and sanity.

That basically means that I could have spent a lot more time sleeping instead of doing this.

Anyways, moving along.
In the past I've spent  wasted a lot of my time on things that didn't matter and that I didn't learn anything from. Which in retrospect makes me feel like an amazing fuck up and a spectacular failure because I absolutely should have know better than do such things as renew my World of Warcraft subscription (because I totally wasn't going to waste all my time playing video games, I had grown as a person!) or to date someone I hated. However, those choices were mine to make and although they weren't good ones and I didn't even learn anything from them they made me who I am today; A person who still makes decisions without thinking them through someti- Crap!

Well okay. So I might still make mistakes with the same false logic but I would like to think that I'm maturing and making worthwhile mistakes these days.  So maybe my choice to code a website, build a business, or rebuild a house wasn't that well thought out but at least I enjoyed (most) of the time spent on the project and as a bonus I gained a lot of really useful knowledge out of it. Such as the fact that regular drills are not the appropriate tool for drilling concrete.

At the end of the day, if I've accomplished one thing and learned something new and potentially useful I'm happy with that and it feels like a successful day.  Sure, I'm probably not going to discover something new and incredibly exciting for anyone but me and I might not even learn anything that will ever be useful again and that's okay. Want to know why? It's because the caliber of the decisions I'm making has drastically changed which means I'm learning and I'm growing on a fundamental level as a result of it. And that my friends, is something that I'm very proud of.