Let's get something straight here, I'm a dominatrix by profession; I don't have sex with people and I don't engage in activities that escorts engage in. While I like the idea of fucking more people and consider myself a slut, I'm extremely germaphobic and I've made rules for myself dictating when it is and isn't okay to allow people into my body; I feel like access to my most intimate of parts is something special and it's not something I want to give out freely anymore. That doesn't mean I look down on women who actually have penis in vagina sex for a living, in fact I'm actually kind of envious of them. This is where the mind fuck sets in for me: I am a sex worker but I'm not a sex worker; It's complicated.
For a while I've felt really weird about some aspects of my work and yesterday when I was talking with a bunch of other girls I figured out what was causing my weird feelings; On some level I believe that I owe people sex, not even in specific circumstances just in fucking general. It might be easier to deal with if it was just circumstantial but it's not and it's really uncomfortable sometimes telling people no or even being around people who I know want to fuck me because it feels like I'm going against nature. Worse yet, being around most other sex workers feels isolating because I can't relate to their interactions with people due to the fact that our interactions are different. It makes me feel like I'm trapped on the fringes of two worlds and it just sucks.
It feels like I'm going through puberty again and all of my friends are losing their virginities and I'm... Not. It feels awkward and uncomfortable, judgmental and limiting...
In many ways I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have things be simple; It would be so nice to fit neatly into one world or the other. Often I fantasize about becoming a full-fledged escort but honestly, I don't think that would make me happy and I'm incredibly jealous of the women who find happiness there. That's not to say that it's easy at all or that it doesn't take a toll on you, I'm not trying to glamorize it and I don't admire the glamour associated with it; I admire the strength of women who can be escorts. Fucking someone is giving them a part of you for a period of time and it's something so intimate and potentially risky that it boggles my mind how someone can be so strong and so generous with their body.
I feel like a hypocrite sometimes by calling myself a sex worker because I'm not giving as much as an escort is giving and I don't know how to find something that feels like I'm giving something equivalent. .... More importantly, I don't know why I'm down playing what I do or how much I give to people. It's probably a combination of how much importance I put on sex and how much importance other people put on sex. Unfortunately, I don't know how to reconcile those beliefs and my desires. So I'm left with a big heap of ideas, concepts and reasons but not really any answer other than "hopefully everything will work out if I just be myself and try my best" which kinda sucks but it's better than nothing.
Talking to other people about similar shit would probably help too.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The Finer Points of Being Stalked
When I first discovered creepy emails in my inbox that talked about the location of my dungeon I was kind of freaked out. I don't like people getting information about me without asking me, even meaningless shit like what my favorite color is. I've never liked people talking about me behind my back, regardless of the content of the conversation and I've worked hard to accept that people will do that and that most of the time they won't tell me about it. So naturally, finding out that people were digging up any scraps of information on me that seemed relevant at all, creeping on me in various ways and making up extravagant lies about cumming all over my face is at the very least a little wiggy.
But to be honest... It's also kind of flattering.
People I've never met want to know things about me. People who I've never spoken to and have no connect to are telling other people that they fucked me. People I literally don't give a shit about are doing things to get my attention or broadcast the fact that they know me. That's what crazy people do to celebrities! THAT'S FUCKING. COOL. By the transitive property that must mean that I'm some sort of small scale celebrity.
Seriously, think about it; I have directly done absolutely nothing to, with or for these people and they're spending time and effort to find shit out about me. Once you get past the whole "Ew, why would you do that? That's creepy!" thing generating enough buzz and attention that people are seeking you out (sometimes against your will) is in many ways a sign that you're becoming successful.
"But, Mistress!" You might say "How is violating your privacy anything but a massive disregard for your basic human rights?" Well my pet.. Although it is that, people who generally do things like that and use fear tactics to make someone feel like they're in danger are attempting to force control over you. It's non-consensual D/s. If I'm afraid of anonymous dude A, then he has power over me and then he has a reason to feel powerful. The fact that he's trying to scare me (someone he doesn't have a connection with) into submission says to me that he considers me to be powerful or maybe I even emasculated him. Either way, he has set the tone that I am more powerful than him and he is trying to change that by making me fear for my safety. Unfortunately for him, power only comes from within and taking power away from someone else never makes you feel stronger.
So now that I've broken down why I feel flattered, let's break down why I'm not really concerned by all of this because, let's be honest, that's not a normal human response.
Ideally in the animal kingdom, when one creature threatens another it triggers the fight or flight response which in this day and age means that whoever is fight or flighting is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. The thing is... Most threats aren't even acted on. Worst case scenario, some dude shows up at my dungeon (or maybe my home if he's crafty enough) and worst worst case scenario is that he tries to hurt me. .... Well then. That should be cause for concern, right? Let's assume that he's skilled enough to take me down and get me vulnerable. Well at that point there's not much I can do as "preparation" other than make sure I keep going to Martial Arts and charge my taser, both of which I should do anyways. Even if all else fails and some really bad shit does indeed happen to me/is going to happen to me.. There's not much someone can do to me that hasn't been done already except actually kill me which is weirdly eroticized to me anyways...
*Ahem* I guess the point of all of this is that being scared when you get creepy emails is stupid, block them and do what you can to tighten your security. Being scared when you get creepy calls is stupid, block them. Being scared when someone leers at you through your window is stupid, bean whoever it is on the head and call the cops. But being scared when someone breaks into your place and tries to kidnap you is legit, except when what you're really afraid of is that they'll see you without make up on... *Ahem...*
So if you're being stalked, creeped on, made to feel uncomfortable or what have you, don't obsess over it. Do what you can to make sure your information and space is secure and move on. Worrying about the what ifs will drive you crazy and trying to make everything perfectly safe will never happen. Living be default is dangerous, don't let someone's rude reminder of that ruin your day.
But to be honest... It's also kind of flattering.
People I've never met want to know things about me. People who I've never spoken to and have no connect to are telling other people that they fucked me. People I literally don't give a shit about are doing things to get my attention or broadcast the fact that they know me. That's what crazy people do to celebrities! THAT'S FUCKING. COOL. By the transitive property that must mean that I'm some sort of small scale celebrity.
Seriously, think about it; I have directly done absolutely nothing to, with or for these people and they're spending time and effort to find shit out about me. Once you get past the whole "Ew, why would you do that? That's creepy!" thing generating enough buzz and attention that people are seeking you out (sometimes against your will) is in many ways a sign that you're becoming successful.
"But, Mistress!" You might say "How is violating your privacy anything but a massive disregard for your basic human rights?" Well my pet.. Although it is that, people who generally do things like that and use fear tactics to make someone feel like they're in danger are attempting to force control over you. It's non-consensual D/s. If I'm afraid of anonymous dude A, then he has power over me and then he has a reason to feel powerful. The fact that he's trying to scare me (someone he doesn't have a connection with) into submission says to me that he considers me to be powerful or maybe I even emasculated him. Either way, he has set the tone that I am more powerful than him and he is trying to change that by making me fear for my safety. Unfortunately for him, power only comes from within and taking power away from someone else never makes you feel stronger.
So now that I've broken down why I feel flattered, let's break down why I'm not really concerned by all of this because, let's be honest, that's not a normal human response.
Ideally in the animal kingdom, when one creature threatens another it triggers the fight or flight response which in this day and age means that whoever is fight or flighting is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. The thing is... Most threats aren't even acted on. Worst case scenario, some dude shows up at my dungeon (or maybe my home if he's crafty enough) and worst worst case scenario is that he tries to hurt me. .... Well then. That should be cause for concern, right? Let's assume that he's skilled enough to take me down and get me vulnerable. Well at that point there's not much I can do as "preparation" other than make sure I keep going to Martial Arts and charge my taser, both of which I should do anyways. Even if all else fails and some really bad shit does indeed happen to me/is going to happen to me.. There's not much someone can do to me that hasn't been done already except actually kill me which is weirdly eroticized to me anyways...
*Ahem* I guess the point of all of this is that being scared when you get creepy emails is stupid, block them and do what you can to tighten your security. Being scared when you get creepy calls is stupid, block them. Being scared when someone leers at you through your window is stupid, bean whoever it is on the head and call the cops. But being scared when someone breaks into your place and tries to kidnap you is legit, except when what you're really afraid of is that they'll see you without make up on... *Ahem...*
So if you're being stalked, creeped on, made to feel uncomfortable or what have you, don't obsess over it. Do what you can to make sure your information and space is secure and move on. Worrying about the what ifs will drive you crazy and trying to make everything perfectly safe will never happen. Living be default is dangerous, don't let someone's rude reminder of that ruin your day.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Some Thoughts on Inner Strength and Pro-Domme
I love my job. There's such a thrill that comes along with meeting someone new and unknown for bdsm play. What role will he want to play? Will he like me? Will we get along? Will we connect well during play? It completes me like nothing else but it is a hardship at times. To be a dominatrix, a cam girl, an escort or any other kind of sex worker takes the strength to take on the deepest desires and darkest fantasies of a stranger and to make their wildest dreams come true without devaluing, compromising and destroying yourself. to do that well takes an immense amount of strength and the willingness to be vulnerable.
Let me get one thing straight, I am not being paid to be a hole. I am being paid to be myself and use my own passions to make the fantasies of others come true. By coming out and saying "this is who I am. I'm kinky as hell, I like watching others enjoy themselves and even though we don't know if we have chemistry, I'm willing to accept money to meet you and take the chance that you aren't going to rape, kill, stalk, harass or otherwise try to hurt me."
Every part of that statement is a challenge in and of itself and on a day to day basis I don't know how I manage to trust the world so much to accept so much of who I am and more surprisingly still, to want to spend time with me so badly that they'll pay me for the experience.
The days that I expose the most of myself are the days that I excel the most and the days that my clients and friends enjoy the most and knowing that gives me the strength to keep allowing new people to see very intimate sides of me.
Who am I intimately anyways? We all wear disguises in some shape so that we can avoid being hurt but what kind of things are lurking underneath that?
On the exterior, I'm strong, I'm focused but goofy, I'm eager to watch other enjoy themselves and sometimes off the cuff things fall out of my mouth.
Under that... I like causing pain and I love watching people want me.. desire my touch and crave more of me. But it's complicated because although I love to please, I love to deny even more. To watch my victim squirm uncomfortably with delight and disappointment. Sometimes it's hard to keep them on the hook after saying no but that's my favorite part.
Sometimes, I'm insecure like most people. I fear that I'm over valuing myself and driving other away because of that. I'm worried that I'm not good enough, skilled enough, competent enough or intelligent enough to pull off the plans I'm trying to release to the world. Although I have this uncanny ability to just make things work and some weird sort of luck/magic seems to follow me where ever I go. Maybe I'm just really good at handling crisis/stressful situations. That must be it; Sometimes I act like a total tit in a social situation and I shove my foot in my mouth while being a complete ass. Sometimes literally. Yet I manage to be suave enough to not absolutely abhor most people. Despite the fact that these situations I create embarrass and horrify me, I can't seem to stop doing them. Regardless of whether or not I've had something to drink.
Deepest of all... I'm afraid that I'll become a spinster who gets emotional and social fixes from work instead of reaching out to other people. Work is easier. Want to know why? I know the other people involved like me, at least a bit. If they don't, I don't hear from them and that's that. Rejection is scary because still at some base level, my value as a person is tied up in the approval of others.
But you know what? It doesn't have to be. I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that.
What really counts? I try. I give life and experiences as much as I can and then I push myself a little bit harder and that makes me proud, even when I fail miserably.
Let me get one thing straight, I am not being paid to be a hole. I am being paid to be myself and use my own passions to make the fantasies of others come true. By coming out and saying "this is who I am. I'm kinky as hell, I like watching others enjoy themselves and even though we don't know if we have chemistry, I'm willing to accept money to meet you and take the chance that you aren't going to rape, kill, stalk, harass or otherwise try to hurt me."
Every part of that statement is a challenge in and of itself and on a day to day basis I don't know how I manage to trust the world so much to accept so much of who I am and more surprisingly still, to want to spend time with me so badly that they'll pay me for the experience.
The days that I expose the most of myself are the days that I excel the most and the days that my clients and friends enjoy the most and knowing that gives me the strength to keep allowing new people to see very intimate sides of me.
Who am I intimately anyways? We all wear disguises in some shape so that we can avoid being hurt but what kind of things are lurking underneath that?
On the exterior, I'm strong, I'm focused but goofy, I'm eager to watch other enjoy themselves and sometimes off the cuff things fall out of my mouth.
Under that... I like causing pain and I love watching people want me.. desire my touch and crave more of me. But it's complicated because although I love to please, I love to deny even more. To watch my victim squirm uncomfortably with delight and disappointment. Sometimes it's hard to keep them on the hook after saying no but that's my favorite part.
Sometimes, I'm insecure like most people. I fear that I'm over valuing myself and driving other away because of that. I'm worried that I'm not good enough, skilled enough, competent enough or intelligent enough to pull off the plans I'm trying to release to the world. Although I have this uncanny ability to just make things work and some weird sort of luck/magic seems to follow me where ever I go. Maybe I'm just really good at handling crisis/stressful situations. That must be it; Sometimes I act like a total tit in a social situation and I shove my foot in my mouth while being a complete ass. Sometimes literally. Yet I manage to be suave enough to not absolutely abhor most people. Despite the fact that these situations I create embarrass and horrify me, I can't seem to stop doing them. Regardless of whether or not I've had something to drink.
Deepest of all... I'm afraid that I'll become a spinster who gets emotional and social fixes from work instead of reaching out to other people. Work is easier. Want to know why? I know the other people involved like me, at least a bit. If they don't, I don't hear from them and that's that. Rejection is scary because still at some base level, my value as a person is tied up in the approval of others.
But you know what? It doesn't have to be. I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that.
What really counts? I try. I give life and experiences as much as I can and then I push myself a little bit harder and that makes me proud, even when I fail miserably.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Progression as a Domina
This evening I filmed some new content during a session with one of my favorite submissives. He's obedient, trusting, always on time, a great conversationalist, respectful yet not timid, he can take what I dish out and I genuinely enjoy his company in and out of session; Our dynamic together is always good and our sessions are always fun. After filming, I started going through what all was on my camera which turned out to be a bunch of sessions I had filmed over the last year or so.
Like most people, over the last year I have grown A LOT and it shows on camera. Everything from how I carry myself to my skill level in session has changed drastically and I would say for the better. Most notably, I have become very skilled at interacting with people and controlling their actions. I have never considered myself to be lacking skill in either of these areas but these days it appears that I effortlessly flow through conversation, banter and play to the point of where it looks utterly effortless. I'm pleased to say that I am quite proud of the way I have been conducting myself, save for a few off days and the confidence shines through which only seems to make me shine brighter.
On a side note, I really should film more; It's a freaking blast!
Like most people, over the last year I have grown A LOT and it shows on camera. Everything from how I carry myself to my skill level in session has changed drastically and I would say for the better. Most notably, I have become very skilled at interacting with people and controlling their actions. I have never considered myself to be lacking skill in either of these areas but these days it appears that I effortlessly flow through conversation, banter and play to the point of where it looks utterly effortless. I'm pleased to say that I am quite proud of the way I have been conducting myself, save for a few off days and the confidence shines through which only seems to make me shine brighter.
On a side note, I really should film more; It's a freaking blast!
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